You’re an amazing, strong woman with so much to offer. You’re kind, funny and beautiful… so why do men disappear after a few weeks? And when you do enter a relationship, why is it always with the wrong man?
Consciously dating to find the love of your life is a long and complicated process. It doesn’t help that a lot of what women are taught about dating is completely wrong!
Luckily, there are ways you can subtly shift your behavior to improve your dating life! The love of your life is out there waiting for you. You don’t have to settle for anything less than perfect happiness.
Here’s my list of ten dating DON’Ts to help you on your journey.
1) Don’t act like his mum!
There’s one mistake I’ve seen so many strong women make over and over again in relationships: they do way too much.
For years, I made this mistake too! By our very nature, women are nurturing and when you really care about a guy, it’s so easy to start doing everything for him. You cook for him, buy his groceries and try to solve all of his problems for him. Basically, you start acting like his mum!
Maybe your cheeks are going a little red right now. Don’t worry, I know that your intentions are good. You just want him to feel loved and safe. You want to show him that his life with you will be easy and fun. You want to prove that you’re kind and supportive. Being with you is a vacation, not work.
So what is wrong with this? Well, a man doesn’t fall in love when he’s in a receiving mode. That’s the relationship he has with his mum, and contrary to what Freud says, men don’t want to marry their mothers! A man falls in love when he’s in a giving mode. He will become infatuated with a woman that he has to work hard to earn. He wants to provide for you and feel like a man. When you coddle him, you make him feel like a little boy!
You can still show him that he’s loved without running around after him. Let him provide for you, and show your appreciation for what that he does. Tell him what you value about him, whether it’s how safe he makes you feel or simply how he warms your car up for you on those cold winter mornings. If he has a problem at work, kiss him and tell him “This sucks, but if anybody can solve this problem, it’s you! I know that you can do it because you’re amazing.” He will feel valued, loved and more like a man than ever.
Be supportive, but don’t try to solve his problems if he doesn’t ask you to. He already has a mother!
2) Don’t argue with his compliments
This one drives men crazy! They want to compliment a beautiful woman and she argues back. “Oh no, I’m fat, I’m ugly, I look awful today…”
Men see us as more beautiful than we see ourselves. They don’t see the same faults and flaws that we do. They don’t care about the cellulite, pimples, and wrinkles that feel devastating to us. They see our curves, our silky hair and the way our eyes shine when we laugh.
It can be uncomfortable to be told that you’re beautiful when all of those TV ads and Instagram models seem to tell you differently, but let your man lift you up. He wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it, so relax and let yourself be admired. Say “wow, thank you so much! That’s lovely to hear” instead of disagreeing with him and drawing attention to your flaws. Strong men like confident women who know their worth, so don’t make yourself small and shy away from his admiration.
Accept that a man will see beauty that you sometimes can’t. That’s okay. Relax, enjoy his compliments and let him teach you to appreciate yourself.
3) Don’t hide what you want
If you know that you want to start a family soon, be open about it!
Many women who want to have children are afraid to be upfront about it on dating sites. They don’t want to scare men off. But I say “do it!”
Being honest about wanting a family will scare off the wrong kind of man. It will filter out the guys who’re always saying “Let’s see where this goes…” instead of making a commitment to you. It will stop you from wasting time with men who want all the benefits of a relationship, without any of the responsibilities. It will save you so much heartache and disappointment.
A man who is ready to have a family won’t be scared off by a woman who says she wants kids. Being honest about what you want from day one is the key to attracting strong men who are ready for commitment.
When you both know what you want, dating will be so much more fun and relaxing.
You won’t be agonizing over what his intentions may be. You won’t need to worry about whether or not you’re on the same page with regards to the future. You can simply enjoy getting to know him and feel safe in the knowledge that he’s ready for commitment. ⠀
4) Don’t pretend you’re fine with it
Never, ever pretend to be okay with a situation when you’re not!
Listen to yourself and speak your truth. Tell your man what makes you feel good – and what upsets you. Being open and honest is the key to a healthy relationship, and he’s not a mind reader! If something he does is bothering you, tell him. Once he knows you’re unhappy about it, he will try to fix his behaviour.
Let’s say he always tries to schedule dates at the last minute, for no good reason that you can see. Don’t scream at him or be confrontational, but tell him “Hey, is there a reason you always ask me out at the last minute? It doesn’t make me feel as though you value me when you do that.” Perhaps he’s just a last-minute kind of guy and it never occurred to him that it might upset you – his ex probably never told him! Don’t pretend it’s fine when it isn’t, because then the problem will never be solved.
As well as making you happier, being honest with your man will show him that you have high standards and clear boundaries that he needs to respect. By communicating the issue instead of pretending things are okay, you are demonstrating that you’re a mature, high-value woman who won’t accept bad behavior.
By speaking your truth and being honest with your man, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Remember, you can’t solve a problem by ignoring it!
5) Don’t take advice from anyone who isn’t happily in love
When you’re single, it can feel as though everyone and their mother want to give you advice. They all think that they know exactly what you need to do to find a partner but although they mean well, most of them don’t know what they’re talking about!
You should never take tips about love from anyone who isn’t in a blissfully happy relationship. Only listen to people who are in happy, loving relationships because they’re the ones who can really help you. They have what you want and they know how to find it.
Think about it: would you take career advice from someone who doesn’t have the job you want?
If we’re honest, the majority of people around us aren’t breathlessly happy in their relationships. They never took dating seriously and just fell into a relationship without taking the time to work out what they really needed in a partner. That’s why they’re always telling you your standards are too high, or that you shouldn’t have let your mediocre ex go! Even if they’re not actually unhappy, most people are in relationships that are just okay. Do you really want to settle for something that’s just ok?
No – you deserve the best!
6) Don’t demand to know what he’s thinking
As women, we like to say what’s on our minds. That’s why we sometimes freak out when our men go silent.
Sometimes, it’s as though they are with us physically but their minds are clearly elsewhere. It can be a bit worrying, especially in the early stages of a relationship! But you shouldn’t take this personally and you shouldn’t force him to tell you what he’s thinking.
When a guy is absent, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is going wrong or that he doesn’t love you. This is very normal male behavior and it’s not about you at all. Maybe he’s got a problem at work or an issue with his family. It may just be that he needs to take some time for himself to rest and recharge.
Unlike women, men don’t want to discuss all of their problems with their partners. He knows that he can talk to you, but when he goes quiet, what he really needs is some space.
Don’t get angry or upset. Don’t make it all about you. Don’t force him to tell you what he’s thinking. Even if you’re only trying to help, that’s not the best way to do it. Right now, you can help him by respecting his privacy and giving him space.
Use this opportunity to focus on your own needs. Think about what makes you happy and indulge in your favorite activities: read a book, go get ice cream with a friend or relax in a coffee shop for a few hours.
If you allow him to work through his problems undisturbed, you’re demonstrating that you are a secure, supportive and understanding partner. He’ll be so grateful to you and he will feel safe to be himself around you.
7) Don’t stop him from spending time with his friends
Many women simply don’t like it when their man spends time with his male friends. Perhaps they don’t trust him or they just want their boyfriend all to themselves. Or maybe it’s a new relationship and you really just want to spend every waking moment together.
Whatever your reason, don’t stop your man from spending time with his male friends! In fact, you should actively encourage it.
The time he spends with his friends is totally different to the time he spends with you. You can’t compare the two, so there’s no need for you to feel jealous. He needs time to engage with his masculine interests when he’s with his friends. When he comes back home to you, he will be recharged, happy and ready to totally relax in your feminine company.
If you encourage him to go out and spend time with his friends, he will be so impressed with you. Many women are possessive over their boyfriends and don’t like it when they want to go out with the guys for a night. By being supportive and understanding of his interests, you’re showing him that he doesn’t have to sacrifice anything to be with you. He will appreciate you all the more for the beauty, warmth, and softness that you bring into his life.
Trust me, if you encourage him to spend time with his friends, he will realize that you are an amazing, compassionate woman he truly cannot let go.
8) Don’t listen to your fear of staying single
You have two voices in your head.
The first is your intuition. She is a helpful, positive force that will lead you down the right path. She knows what is best for you, protects you from harmful situations and helps you to achieve your dreams.
The second voice is fear. Fear tells you that you will never find love. Fear insists that there are no good men out there. Fear tells you to settle for a relationship that doesn’t truly fulfill you.
The worst thing about fear is that she starts to scream louder when you’ve been single for a while. She tries to drown out your intuition – and she’s got company.
The voices of your friends and family might sound an awful lot like the fear in your head. “You’re too picky, you’re never satisfied, you just need to settle down with the next guy you meet!”
Ironically, it’s always the friends who aren’t in amazing, happy relationships who tell you this. It’s always the ones who settled for something mediocre who think that you should do the same.
Befriend your fear and understand that she’s only trying to protect you. Try to be mindful that those close to you do just want you to be happy. Unfortunately, the chorus of their voices won’t go away – but you don’t have to listen.
You have to try to find your intuition above the noise and focus on her. This is the most important choice you will ever make in your life. It will impact everything else: your career, your lifestyle and even your friendships. It’s scary but it absolutely should not be rushed. Think about what’s scarier to you: staying single for another year or spending your life with a man who doesn’t make you happy?
It might take 30 dates before you meet the man for you. It might take 50, or even 80. Every time something doesn’t work out, the voice of fear grows louder and louder. It can be hard to shut out.
So how do you do it?
Well, this is where a coach comes in!
9) Don’t fixate on one man
In the movies, as soon as a woman meets a new guy, that’s it. It’s clear from the start that he’s going to be the one she ends up with. Lots of people think that real life is like this, too.
Unfortunately, it’s not.
When you finally meet a great guy after a string of bad dates, it’s easy to become infatuated with him and put all of your eggs in his basket, so to speak. You stop logging onto dating sites and spend all of your time and energy on trying to make this one man fall in love with you.
If you Google “how to make him love me”, you’re met with a depressing number of results offering tips and tricks on how to make a relationship work. The truth is you can’t force anybody to fall in love with you and if you try, you’re going to end up taking on a masculine energy that will drive him away.
Don’t fixate on one man and don’t close yourself off to other men until you know it’s serious. During the early stages of a relationship, you should focus on yourself and your needs. Stop chasing clickbait on the internet and doing everything you can to make him happy. Instead, focus on making YOU happy. If he wants to pursue you, then he will.
Be open to the many romantic possibilities out there. Just because you’ve met one guy that you like doesn’t mean there will never be others – he’s not your only chance to find love.
Date different men and enjoy the experience. Have as much fun as possible. Accept that you can’t control everything. Lean back into your feminine energy and bask in the admiration of some interesting and wonderful men.
Remember that things usually work out for the best – you might really like him right now, but if he doesn’t try to pursue you, then it wasn’t meant to be. There’s no “technique” you can use to make someone fall in love with you. Stop scheming and plotting because it won’t work. All you can really do is relax and have fun! That doesn’t sound so bad, does it?
10) Don’t let him walk all over you
When we like or love a man, we want to be nice to him. We want to show him that we’re relaxed, easygoing and kind.
So why do men always seem to like women who are mean to them?
To me, the answer is clear. In the long-term, they don’t want a woman who is cold and nasty, but what they do want is a woman that they have to work hard for. There’s a very important difference!
It’s a basic economic principle that we value the things we have to work for more than the things we get for free. When it comes to men, they are much more attracted to women they have to work hard to earn. They have far more respect for women who put themselves first and don’t accept flimsy excuses for bad behavior.
Set the bar high! If you have high standards, he will see that he can’t walk all over you. Show him that you’ll only accept a man who treats you right. If he promises you a date but then calls you after the restaurant has closed and asks to come over, tell him “no!” If he truly wanted the pleasure of your company tonight, he would have made the date happen. On the other hand, if you let him come over after all, he’ll lose respect for you and never bother to arrange a real date.
You’re an amazing, strong and successful woman, so don’t let any guy walk all over you. Show him that you have high standards and he’ll behave like a perfect gentleman.
That’s my list of dating don’ts! If you’re ready to open yourself up to love and start consciously dating to find the man of your dreams, click here to find out more about my Happily Ever After coaching package – unlimited support until you find the love of your life who makes you amazingly, breathlessly happy every single day.